tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post7918373131358350098..comments2023-03-20T04:58:32.849-07:00Comments on IndieLicious: UPDATED: Blurb/Query Critique: Week 1Christie Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12211149920036127908noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-51294898227054546842013-03-30T10:50:27.461-07:002013-03-30T10:50:27.461-07:00I do love the second one, just remove the parenthe...I do love the second one, just remove the parenthesis. It held my attention without moving around too much, kept to the plot line. Something I'd buy for my teenager.T.J.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11719361269817168474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-17709658461707154272013-03-27T12:57:35.281-07:002013-03-27T12:57:35.281-07:00I'll begin by saying blurbs are the new query ...I'll begin by saying blurbs are the new query letter. Worst things in the world to try to write! It is often easier for an outsider to pull it together because the author is too close to the project. Anyway, here's my two cents:<br /><br />Too many details that don't immediately connect or relate. Things like "… Holland is no longer revered or admired." I also agree with the comment about wondering at Mick's motivation. I might begin it this way:<br /><br />Seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs is accused of torching her ex-boyfriend's house and poisoning his new girlfriend. As if this weren't enough stress on the formerly popular Holland is confronted by a dark, family secret: a curse from a beast only known in fairy tales. Her discovery of this curse leads Holland to an even more shocking revelation:<br /><br />The accusations are true!<br /><br />She has no memory of committing the horrible crimes…<br /><br />I'm sure I mangled the story line a bit, but hopefully something in there is helpful. Best of luck with it!Alan Tuckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06003811594552160836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-23133066011804757142013-03-27T07:50:51.806-07:002013-03-27T07:50:51.806-07:00I agree with T.J. about the passive structure. It...I agree with T.J. about the passive structure. It's also in past tense, which can take out the immediacy of the story line. For what it's worth, here's my attempt:<br /><br />A girl cursed to live a solitary life. A boy destined to save her.<br /><br />Holland Briggs doesn’t remember committing the horrible crimes she’s accused of. No longer revered or admired, even the social lepers don’t want anything to do with the freak pyromaniac that torched her ex-boyfriend’s house then poisoned his new girlfriend. With her world spinning out of control, Holland strives to pick up the shattered pieces of her life before it’s too late.<br /><br />Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save Holland from the curse that has haunted the Briggs family for generations. Only he knows the secrets to unlock the centuries-old spell that threatens to transform Holland into a beast only found in fairytales. Mick must not only earn Holland’s love, he must love her in return. Unfortunately, Holland is changing too quickly. Will Mick find a way to free her from her dangerous nature, or will Holland succumb to the curse before Mick can win her heart?<br /><br />The book sounds great! I love fairytale retellings.Christie Richhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12211149920036127908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-31793348008734484512013-03-27T07:09:44.311-07:002013-03-27T07:09:44.311-07:00Nice YA :) Love the premise.
I think it has too ...Nice YA :) Love the premise.<br /><br />I think it has too much passive, especially for an active book. What the these, is, was, etc. Shorten the sentences a bit :)<br /><br />Overall, shoot, I can't say much! The mechanics need a tad bit of work, yet it does pull me in and makes me want to buy it!T.J.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11719361269817168474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-43201677615019939052013-03-27T07:01:49.925-07:002013-03-27T07:01:49.925-07:00From someone who couldn't get their comment po...From someone who couldn't get their comment posted here: The blurb is a bit long, and it gives no reason Mick should care to get involved. Who is he?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11805206329378779413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-90219085404152651642013-03-27T06:39:39.779-07:002013-03-27T06:39:39.779-07:00It's good, though the sentences seem a little...It's good, though the sentences seem a little long. I was taught blurb sentences should be shorter to hold attention. I think the last sentence should be switched around so it ends with "the dangerous side of her nature is revealed" since that's more tantalizing in my opinion. It could even be it's own sentence, maybe a question like "But can they survive the dangerous side of her nature?" It's sounds like a really good book, though. :)Donna Dullhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05412358687185433835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4872756137567999116.post-73968376354899539362013-03-27T05:46:17.417-07:002013-03-27T05:46:17.417-07:00It sounds like a good fairy tale style retelling. ...It sounds like a good fairy tale style retelling. This Mick sounds like a great guy! I personally like the blurb. Drea Shanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06611741082130479134noreply@blogger.com