Hello fellow Indie-Licious Authors. Today kicks off our first ever blurb/query critique. I will NOT share with you who the writer is, but please bear in mind that HELPFUL critique and criticism is ALL we are looking for here.
Do not post mean comments.
So, without further ado, please help us edit this baby into shape. (If you'd like your blurb/query featured here, please email indieliciousqueries@gmail.com).
~Krystal
Had she known she was descended from The Beast of fairytale lore, seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs wouldn’t have been shocked by the accusations of crimes she didn’t remember committing. But with no recollection of torching her ex-boyfriend’s house or poisoning his new girlfriend, and no knowledge of her cursed fate, these accusations devastate Holland’s world. Striving to pick up the shattered pieces of her life, Holland is no longer revered or admired. Not even the social lepers want to be seen with the school’s freak pyromaniac.
Armed with the knowledge of what the future holds for Holland Briggs, Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save her from the curse that has haunted the Briggs family for generations. To do so, he must fall in love with Holland, earn her love in return, then break the centuries-old spell. Incorrectly trusting that time is on his side, Mick leisurely gets to know Holland, finding it incredibly easy to fall for the broken beauty.
But as Holland begins changing way before schedule, the dangerous side of her nature is revealed, and Mick struggles to find a way to free her.
He must succeed, because failure means losing Holland to the beast forever.
Okay, all, so our anonymous author has updated the blurb/query. What do you guys think?
From senior class president to dejected social outcast, with just the flick of a match.
After accusations of torching her ex-boyfriend’s home are followed by the mysterious poisoning of her ex-best friend, seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs assumes her life is over. And it is. But not in the way she thinks.
Holland’s problems are only just starting to unfold. As terrible things happen around her—like crimes she can’t remember committing—Holland begins her destined metamorphosis into The Beast that she’s only ever heard of in fairytales.
As Holland learns the truth about her cursed fate, and the spell that has plagued her family for centuries from Mick Stevenson—an ally who knows far more about her history than she does—Holland finds she must fall in love with the handsome stranger in order to break the spell.
But having sworn off love (and guys in general), this may be a difficult task. Even more so when time runs out, and Holland’s change begins way before schedule.
With the clock ticking, and Holland morphing into a dangerous mythical creature, will Mick be able to save her? Or will Holland become lost to the beast inside her forever?
Do not post mean comments.
So, without further ado, please help us edit this baby into shape. (If you'd like your blurb/query featured here, please email indieliciousqueries@gmail.com).
~Krystal
Had she known she was descended from The Beast of fairytale lore, seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs wouldn’t have been shocked by the accusations of crimes she didn’t remember committing. But with no recollection of torching her ex-boyfriend’s house or poisoning his new girlfriend, and no knowledge of her cursed fate, these accusations devastate Holland’s world. Striving to pick up the shattered pieces of her life, Holland is no longer revered or admired. Not even the social lepers want to be seen with the school’s freak pyromaniac.
Armed with the knowledge of what the future holds for Holland Briggs, Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save her from the curse that has haunted the Briggs family for generations. To do so, he must fall in love with Holland, earn her love in return, then break the centuries-old spell. Incorrectly trusting that time is on his side, Mick leisurely gets to know Holland, finding it incredibly easy to fall for the broken beauty.
But as Holland begins changing way before schedule, the dangerous side of her nature is revealed, and Mick struggles to find a way to free her.
He must succeed, because failure means losing Holland to the beast forever.
Okay, all, so our anonymous author has updated the blurb/query. What do you guys think?
From senior class president to dejected social outcast, with just the flick of a match.
After accusations of torching her ex-boyfriend’s home are followed by the mysterious poisoning of her ex-best friend, seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs assumes her life is over. And it is. But not in the way she thinks.
Holland’s problems are only just starting to unfold. As terrible things happen around her—like crimes she can’t remember committing—Holland begins her destined metamorphosis into The Beast that she’s only ever heard of in fairytales.
As Holland learns the truth about her cursed fate, and the spell that has plagued her family for centuries from Mick Stevenson—an ally who knows far more about her history than she does—Holland finds she must fall in love with the handsome stranger in order to break the spell.
But having sworn off love (and guys in general), this may be a difficult task. Even more so when time runs out, and Holland’s change begins way before schedule.
With the clock ticking, and Holland morphing into a dangerous mythical creature, will Mick be able to save her? Or will Holland become lost to the beast inside her forever?
It sounds like a good fairy tale style retelling. This Mick sounds like a great guy! I personally like the blurb.
ReplyDeleteIt's good, though the sentences seem a little long. I was taught blurb sentences should be shorter to hold attention. I think the last sentence should be switched around so it ends with "the dangerous side of her nature is revealed" since that's more tantalizing in my opinion. It could even be it's own sentence, maybe a question like "But can they survive the dangerous side of her nature?" It's sounds like a really good book, though. :)
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who couldn't get their comment posted here: The blurb is a bit long, and it gives no reason Mick should care to get involved. Who is he?
ReplyDeleteNice YA :) Love the premise.
ReplyDeleteI think it has too much passive, especially for an active book. What the these, is, was, etc. Shorten the sentences a bit :)
Overall, shoot, I can't say much! The mechanics need a tad bit of work, yet it does pull me in and makes me want to buy it!
I agree with T.J. about the passive structure. It's also in past tense, which can take out the immediacy of the story line. For what it's worth, here's my attempt:
ReplyDeleteA girl cursed to live a solitary life. A boy destined to save her.
Holland Briggs doesn’t remember committing the horrible crimes she’s accused of. No longer revered or admired, even the social lepers don’t want anything to do with the freak pyromaniac that torched her ex-boyfriend’s house then poisoned his new girlfriend. With her world spinning out of control, Holland strives to pick up the shattered pieces of her life before it’s too late.
Mick Stevenson has one purpose in life: to save Holland from the curse that has haunted the Briggs family for generations. Only he knows the secrets to unlock the centuries-old spell that threatens to transform Holland into a beast only found in fairytales. Mick must not only earn Holland’s love, he must love her in return. Unfortunately, Holland is changing too quickly. Will Mick find a way to free her from her dangerous nature, or will Holland succumb to the curse before Mick can win her heart?
The book sounds great! I love fairytale retellings.
I'll begin by saying blurbs are the new query letter. Worst things in the world to try to write! It is often easier for an outsider to pull it together because the author is too close to the project. Anyway, here's my two cents:
ReplyDeleteToo many details that don't immediately connect or relate. Things like "… Holland is no longer revered or admired." I also agree with the comment about wondering at Mick's motivation. I might begin it this way:
Seventeen-year-old Holland Briggs is accused of torching her ex-boyfriend's house and poisoning his new girlfriend. As if this weren't enough stress on the formerly popular Holland is confronted by a dark, family secret: a curse from a beast only known in fairy tales. Her discovery of this curse leads Holland to an even more shocking revelation:
The accusations are true!
She has no memory of committing the horrible crimes…
I'm sure I mangled the story line a bit, but hopefully something in there is helpful. Best of luck with it!
I do love the second one, just remove the parenthesis. It held my attention without moving around too much, kept to the plot line. Something I'd buy for my teenager.
ReplyDelete